May 26, 2010

Relationship Killer

So there's no better way to kill a relationship than to stop expressing your feelings.                                      

I don't like to express my feelings, but the more I share my emotions the better the relationships become. I always feel better when I express or release of the bad feeling. It is hard at first but really worth it.
This is the most important part to prevent a build-up of feelings and festering and reduces the chances of being misunderstood.

I  believe that it is quite essential to express feelings without attacking the self-esteem of the other person and in a manner that is productive and respectful.
Non-blameful and non-judgmental manner; a kinda like:

"When you did that thing I felt that way." That simple. But I have to admit that sometimes I find it really hard! And I fail miserably.

What are your thoughts? I'd love to hear. xx                    

56 comments:

Mr. Stupid said...

I always blame myself for anything that goes wrong. Pointing fingers can spoil relationships but make you feel bad about doing it later.
Lovely writing!

Dan Gliubizzi said...

Now That's an interesting post!
There is no relationship when you harbor bad feelings, no good one that is!
Sometimes it is NOT your fault and that someone needs to know it.
When you act or do not act, it usually has something to do with feeling safe. An extreme is that police wear uniforms and carry guns and that helps them feel safe when they tell someone that they are wrong. Empowerment eliminates feeling hurt and embarrassment.

Betty Manousos:cutand-dry.blogspot.com said...

Dan, good to see you!
I completely agree with your thoughts. And the last line said it all! So true!!
Thank you.
xo

Naqvee said...

Betty my dear friend, your post is exactly what happened with me once, it turned up into lots of sentiments and problems and loopholes in the other person. tension anxiety and worry can kill a relationship.., being open and transparent eases your mind and the flow of our emotions are more lucid than thick paste of sentiments ! great!

Naqvee♥

....Petty Witter said...

So easy to say and do things in the heat of the moment, don't you think? And yet at the same time some things just have to be said, to leave them festering eats you up. I largely agree with Dan, it is difficult to maitain a good relationship when one/both parties hold such bad feelings.

Tertia said...

I am in the middle of such a situation right now. I feel like I could slap somebody, say something VEY hurtful and..., but I keep quiet and seethe, because I don't want to say something I will regret later.

Naturedigital said...

It is imperative for all of us to have control over what and how we feel.
I know it is so easy to lose control and act without thinking and resulting into hurting someone else.
Self control and self esteem is essential for all of us.
Have a great day Betty.
Costas.

3 hungry tummies said...

well said my dear...I am the same :)
xxx

Mrs. Claus said...

When you leave "self" behind and seek a relationship with God, bad feelings are replaced with a grateful heart. Seek God!

septembermom said...

I think it is healthier to express your feelings. I've let things bottle up too much throughout my life. I tend to want to please all the time, and I let my own feelings get swept under the rug. I think empowerment through expression can be liberating in many ways.

Sir Thomas said...

you said a mouthful girl...

I try to avoid the bad...

Emm said...

I often think I should just tell my friends the truth. I'd say, "well actually M, I don't really feel like seeing you right now because lately, your wife keeps trying to make me feel second best". But before I say anything, I ask myself what my motives are. Will I suffer if I don't see them? No. Will I hurt them if I say something (now)? Probably. So why not just bow out gracefully and see if bridges can't be rebuilt later on down the line. (That is my advice to myself, currently, not saying it would work for others).

Traci said...

Like you, Betty, I try really hard to use appropriate words to express my feelings. Sometimes, however, I fail. Sometimes, I fail miserably. Which sometimes makes me hold back waiting for the "right" words. Which makes me fail even more. Vicious cycle. So I try to re-commit to letting a little steam out of the boiler rather than waiting until it spills over. I think that you just have to keep trying. I try to remember that true loving relationships are based on two imperfect people and that those two people have to share their needs to make a more perfect union.

Boy, did I run on. Oh well. You always inspire me!

Misalyn said...

It is really difficult to stay calm when you're angry. Sometimes we can't even think of constructive criticism rather we just talk and talk without thinking that it may hurt the person we love or we work with.

It is so easy to say that we must keep cool, but if we are in a very stressful situation, we tend to loose our control.

Ekanthapadhikan said...

I completely agree with you on this. Expressing what you feel is something essential to maintain meaningful relationships. But one thing to be noted is that to avoid being too blunt or sharp when expressing your feelings towards another person. Yes. You must respect his feelings too.

By the way, you've something waiting for you in my blog!

Caio Fernandes one more Lord's lamb said...

i do think this is a very apropriated attitude , Betty !!
is like an exorcism where you get rid of the "devils " inside you and can get calmer .
but this is tricky .
express yourself , yes .... pay too much attention on what is being expressed may force you to do not reliese this and even intencify more the negative aspects .
so let all bad things go away and foccus on the positive .

i know you do it and keep positive . look at you . you are wonderful .

Caio Fernandes one more Lord's lamb said...

one more thing .
did you take this photo ?
it is fantastic . incredible work .

wenn said...

we need to express how we feel so that we would not be misunderstood..

Lifebeginsat30ty said...

Oh how true this post is! How do you express yourself and be heard but say it in a constructive/not accusatory way? A challenge for the ages!

Fetesha N. Downs said...

I think if any of us could be that blunt--a lot of arguments and pain could be avoided. Needless to say, emotions get in the way so often and we let them override the simple solution. Not to mention sometimes saying the obvious thing feels harder than it is. Pride or anxiety gets put on the line. Such a vulnerable place to select to put yourself.

Cielo Azul Jewelry said...

I think it's always best to speak up. Sometimes it doesn't come out right, but at least you said something.

xoxo,
Carol

Kelly said...

I think it's best to express your feelings as long as you can do it in a way that isn't hurtful to the other person.

My husband was quick to tell me early on that he wasn't a 'mind reader'.

I've never understood couples that get upset with each other over things like forgotten anniversaries or birthdays. I put it on the calendar and point it out in advance so there won't be any forgetting!! (not that I'm looking for gifts... just acknowledgement)

Carla said...

HI Betty, us anglo's have such problems expressing our feelings thanks to the way we were brought up. When I lived in Italy it was another story. Emotions abound and no-one has a problem with them. I am trying to be more like them. carla

Journaling Woman said...

If we could all communicate well, the world might be change. sometimes we think others should read our minds and keep quiet. I like to keep my feelings to myself, which is unhealthy.

T

Ms. Anthropy said...

Afraid I've never learned to express my feelings in a productive manner. I usually just explode. Holding them in doesn't work, either. I end up taking it out on everyone.

Matty said...

I'm awful at this. I keep everything inside. And it's not good. And my wife doesn't react well to anything I have to say about something she did or said to upset me. If she doesn't like what I say, the conversation goes south very fast. She's hard to talk to. Which makes me just keep it to myself. It's like a revolving door.....she says something to upset me. I keep it in. I get angry and it festers. I finally say something to her, and she explodes, which makes me not want to talk to her about anything else in the future.

Nevine said...

My husband and I try to be as honest as we can be with one another. As for friends and other family members, that can be a bit of a challenge. Sometimes, even though I try to be honest and diplomatic at the same time, it doesn't work. The other person sees my words as an attack, and he or she becomes defensive. But still, most of the time, I remain honest. We can't all pretend we're all happy all the time... that just doesn't work!

A very thought-provoking post, Betty. Most interesting!

Big hugs,
Nevine

The Blonde Duck said...

I hope you feel better. E-mail Aunt Spicy--she can make you a Scottie Dog!

Steven Anthony said...

I find I take the blame, even when I know it isnt my fault...to hard to fight, just dont handle the drama well...

hugs

Krista said...

In my mind, I am great at being proactive and discussing issues before they destroy relationships.

In reality, I am alone. :o/

Melissa B. said...

Sometimes I think I need a filter for my feelings. I'm definitely one who expresses them freely!

Joe Cap said...

So if what you are trying to say is that we should always say what we feel...(but in a nice way) than I have to say I would agree that is good in most instances.

Momma Fargo said...

I blame myself and do the what if thing. Then...I usually talk to the person or let it go.

Great post, Betty!

Trac~ said...

I understand completely how you feel. Unfortunately, that is one of my bad habits (if you will) - I cannot hold it in if I am angry at my husband - he WILL hear about it and vice-versa (LOL). We always work it out - though probably not in the best way and sometimes it is in front of our kids - but life's not perfect and if you can get through the trials and tribulations of both the good and the bad and have respect for one another then all will work out in the end. I truly believe you have to have a relationship built on love, trust and respect of each other in order to maintain a long-term relationship. (just my opinion) I hope you are okay my friend. I don't like to see your beautiful smile turned upside down. :o( xoxoxo

athina said...

Most times,I prefer to show my feelings with actions rather than to say them directly to the other person.

Ah Ngao said...

at first i do have the feeling of regrets when a relationship between me with my friends or colleagues are dented but i learnt to numb myself and to accept that everything is not permanent.if i lost a friend today,i'll look for another friend tomorrow and do my best to love him or her in my very best way.

Turquoise Diaries said...

I always try to take long deep breaths, or think on the issue couple days if possible. Whatever the reason I hope you are feeling much better right now.

Betty Manousos:cutand-dry.blogspot.com said...

Thank you so much for your brilliant comments!!
I've read all and each one of them (as you already know that I always do) and was amazed at your interesting thoughts, aspects, perspectives.
In my opinion, we also should communicate feelings in a manner that minimizes the other's person need to become defensive.
And let me use Dan's last line:
"Empowerment eliminates feeling hurt and embarrassment."
xxx

Betty Manousos:cutand-dry.blogspot.com said...

Caio, yes my dear friend, I took that photo. Glad you liked it.
and thanks for your most generous comments!
xo

Lisa Anne said...

I wish it was that easy. Very strong post, really makes me think. I hope all is okay!

Unknown Mami said...

I do the best I can, I try to be respectful, but sometimes I don't think my feelings are even clear to me.

flying eagle woman said...

the older I get the easier it has become to clearly state the current case...sometimes the other person needs to HEAR that they have wronged you and SOMETIMES the only way to penetrate that thick outer casing is to dig into their sense of self esteem...and THEN you can align yourselves into a gentler state...I wonder if I said this right...
Now you've made me THINK!
:-) Smiles n hugs,
Shawna

Together We Save said...

I am terrible at the blame game... You have made me think about how much I need to open up more!

yonca said...

I learned that 'think twice before saying anything':)

Lynda Young said...

Yep, I can so relate. It's sometimes difficult to get past the hurt to be able to speak rationally, carefully and sensitively. It takes practice.

ρομπερτ said...

More than felt, this entry of yours.

Being blamed lately to do something that I never did, made me close a blog of mine. Agree with you about the dangers that emotions do hold, with regard to relationships.
An entry that surely moved me much, making it hard to write. Yet, thank you for doing so. Please have a nice Friday.

daily athens

Sara @ Domestically Challenged said...

Very interesting- I sincerely hope things are well with you. I am similiar. I do get angry, but then want to hash it out. I do not like to hold on to anger or hard feelings. I do not think it is healthy.

SquirrelQueen said...

If the relationship is real why not sit down with the other person and discuss your feelings. If that is not possible the relationship is already dead.

Pastor Dennis said...

St. Paul spoke of "speaking the truth in love". This is a great challenge. I find it very humbling, because it is much easier to speak the truth without love. Real love means often having to revisit the scene of one's own honesty in order to set things right. Still, I have known people who mastered the art. (I am a cousin of Don at "Musings and Misc. Thoughts")

Lisa Anne said...

Have fun! You are so lucky, I've barely been out of California. I never travel

Mista Jaycee said...

Hey Dearheart!
Haven't been here in a while! I am learning and practicing expressing my negative feelings without blowing up and hurting the other persons feelings. Usually I just hold it in. Not good I assure you! Not Good!

Αgeliki said...

Thanks 4 photo
Personally i keep my feelings for myself and i never meet the person that infuriated me again or i meet after a long long time
Bon voyage ma cherie

English Rose ♥ said...

I loved this post - you expressed yourself perfectly - I'm so excited you're inmy hometown for a few days - have an amazing time - maybe we'll bump into each other!!

Merci beaucoup for stopping by darling =]

Have a great time here in London!

Stay safe and chic ma chérie,
English Rose x
http://iamanenglishrose.blogspot.com

Pat said...

I hate confrontation so I RARELY say how I'm really feeling, as opposed to my twin sister who ALWAYS says what's on her mind - even when she shouldn't! LOL! I always say that I need a little bit of her nerve, and she needs a little bit of my restraint!

The Blonde Duck said...

Have a wonderful time in London?

Lauren said...

I've recently started feeling this way about my best friend. Well, I say recently, but really it's been a build up for the past few months. I find that there are some things I want to say to her that I wouldn't be afraid to say when we first met, but now that I've known her for three years things have gotten difficult in the way of communication. I like to talk about things that but me, she doesn't. I ask her if she needs to vent to me about something and she won't. I know she doesn't mean it this way, but it makes me feel like she's not venting to me because I've failed her in some way that she doesn't think she can talk to me about things. I know that's not true, because it's just her. She's become the person who, when angered, has to let it simmer inside, or maybe just wants to let it simmer inside. It hurts, but I don't tell her. I don't know what has changed in three years that I don't feel like I can openly express myself with her anymore. It's saddened me greatly, and I want things to change, but I don't know what to do about it. Other than trust God that He'll work on our friendship, that is. Maybe that's my problem. Maybe I shouldn't do anything about it. I don't know. Regardless, I know how you feel.